I absolutely have to find a new crowd. My beliefs are significantly different than most of the people around me. So much so that I tend not to even express my feelings or beliefs because I'm constantly in a position of defending myself; what I call "closed minded thinkers" always want me to feel that I'm wrong because I'm the only in the group who thinks what I think.
Earlier today, I was having a conversation with two ladies I work with. We were talking about death and how people deal with it. These ladies were talking about how they cried at family member's funerals and how ridiculous some people act over wills, etc. I didn't say anything about crying when someone dies, because I feel differently about death. I don't cry...and because I don't cry, I don't attend funerals. I believe that the life we have now is just one stage...similar to a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. Some of us have few days in the caterpillar stage, so of us have tons of days in the caterpillar stage. When I think back on the deaths of family members, I realized that when I cried...I was crying because of the emptiness I felt because I couldn't see that person everyday. I felt like he/she left ME. Thinking further, I realized how selfish I was...I wasn't mourning the loss, I was sad because I didn't want to deal with my loved one not being around anymore. That made me think about my feelings more...and that's when I realized that death isn't a loss at all. We can't see the ones we lose everyday, but they are STILL with us. The time we had with the loved one should be CELEBRATED...not MOURNED. I reached that conclusion 17 years ago. I've only shared my belief with my kids...I've raised them to be open-minded/receptive to different ways of thinking. My open-mindedness has caused family members to accuse me of being a bad parent, irresponsible, crazy and even a drug addict. Anyway, I'm watching Oprah's Life Class from yesterday....and I have chills up my spine because the conversation I avoided at work today is one of the class topics (death). Oprah and the gentleman she's talking to have the same belief about death that I do. My aha is that I need to upgrade my crowd. It is hard to find people who are as open-minded as I am, but instead of being lazy and just giving in and settling for allowing the wrong types of people into my life, I have to put in work. I am definitely worth it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day Ten
Today I'll work on eliminating a limiting belief. I always have this underlying feeling that I'm not good enough. I believe it comes from not being validated as a child. My parents divorced when I was a kid. Once the divorce was final, my father forgot he had kids. He didn't visit or pay child support and the only time he called was to ask me to find someone to get a driver's license in his name. Love you too dad! Anyway, being a 10 year old, I interpreted my father leaving and not even taking the time to even call us (my sister and I) as his not loving us. My mother was always a very angry woman and after the divorce, her anger eventually became bitterness. She is still a very bitter woman. My father was very loving and expressive of his feelings, and that's what I learned from him. After he left, that's something that stayed with me. My bedtime ritual had always been to hug and kiss my parents or cuddle before going to sleep. Just because my father wasn't around didn't mean I couldn't keep doing that. I remember going to my mother to tell her that I loved her and to kiss her good night and she told me to get out of her face. Even though I was very young, her pushing me away made me realize that my mother never said "I love you" unless I said it to her first. At that moment I decided I wasn't going to say it anymore....and I've never heard "I love you" from my mother since. That was 30 years ago. Yeah she buys me birthday cards that skirt around being "loving" but that just isn't the same. Later in my life when I was a teen, my mother allowed three of her brothers to live with us. Two of them were awesome and I'm happy to have had the experience. The third brother was delusional. When I was 12, this uncle was an addict but my mother would have him stay with us to help with child care. He would tell me stories about murders he committed and how feared he was in NYC. My uncle started planting seeds in my head that I wasn't my mother's birth child. I already had doubts that I was her child, even though I look like her...that was how I justified my mother's rejection of me. He confirmed what I already felt. Fast forward to 16. This same uncle moved in with us again. He started up with the murder stories again...but he was different toward me than he had been. He seemed to think we were lovers. In his mind, I was madly in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He ended up raping me multiple times and I became pregnant. That experience stripped any shred of self-worth I had left. I was 16 years old and lost my virginity to rape. Not only was I raped but it was by a family member who was an addict and regularly slept with prostitutes. On top of that, I was pregnant. I was a loser...used goods...and no one could possibly love me. I ended up having an abortion....I could not imagine giving birth to that child. My uncle tormented me calling me a baby killer and telling me how I ruined "our family" by murdering his baby. I went to my mother and asked her to ask her brother to move out. She immediately became hostile and started yelling. My brother will leave when he is good and ready. Blood is thicker than water, if anybody is leaving, it will be you. Wow! I decided not to tell my mother what happened.
Eventually, I ended up telling my mother what happened. After my uncle moved out on his own, he married a woman with three kids. He was doing to her son what he had been doing to me. When her son told his mother what happened, my uncle shot her and then himself. She lived, he died. At about 3 in the morning, someone was frantically knocking on my door. I knew it was my mother because she had been calling me but I ignored her calls. We had a huge fight and I didn't want to speak with her. She told me about my uncle being flown up to DC and she wanted me to go with her to see him before he was taken off life support. I told her I wasn't interested and was going back to bed. My uncle died later that day. I didn't meet with my family when his funeral was being planned. Didn't go to his wake. Didn't go to his funeral. I was glad he was dead. After the dust settled, I told my mother about what her brother did to me. She called me a liar. She told me that I would do anything for attention. She said if those are the types of things I was going to say about her family, then I was no longer a part of her family. At that moment, I no longer had a mother....I was on my own. It's been that way ever since.
Even though my heart knows that I'm good enough and worthy of whatever my heart desires...there's a nagging little voice in the back of my head telling me 'you're not good enough', 'you have to keep your life a secret because you aren't like everyone else', 'it's OK to be different but you're different in the wrong ways'. I AM good enough. I am not defined by the things that happened to me and I need to stop telling myself that I don't deserve the best life has to offer.
Eventually, I ended up telling my mother what happened. After my uncle moved out on his own, he married a woman with three kids. He was doing to her son what he had been doing to me. When her son told his mother what happened, my uncle shot her and then himself. She lived, he died. At about 3 in the morning, someone was frantically knocking on my door. I knew it was my mother because she had been calling me but I ignored her calls. We had a huge fight and I didn't want to speak with her. She told me about my uncle being flown up to DC and she wanted me to go with her to see him before he was taken off life support. I told her I wasn't interested and was going back to bed. My uncle died later that day. I didn't meet with my family when his funeral was being planned. Didn't go to his wake. Didn't go to his funeral. I was glad he was dead. After the dust settled, I told my mother about what her brother did to me. She called me a liar. She told me that I would do anything for attention. She said if those are the types of things I was going to say about her family, then I was no longer a part of her family. At that moment, I no longer had a mother....I was on my own. It's been that way ever since.
Even though my heart knows that I'm good enough and worthy of whatever my heart desires...there's a nagging little voice in the back of my head telling me 'you're not good enough', 'you have to keep your life a secret because you aren't like everyone else', 'it's OK to be different but you're different in the wrong ways'. I AM good enough. I am not defined by the things that happened to me and I need to stop telling myself that I don't deserve the best life has to offer.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Day Nine
Today's lesson is to create a bucket list. Too easy...I created mine months ago :)
Some of the things on my bucket list are:
get my passport
take trips to Greece, Italy, Costa Rica, Dubai
Get my motorcycle license
buy my Ducati
open an activity center for 12-17 year olds
Some things I need to add:
swim with dolphins
scuba diving
become comfortable enough with my Spanish skills to actually have conversations in Spanish on a regular basis
get married again
go to cooking school
Some of the things on my bucket list are:
get my passport
take trips to Greece, Italy, Costa Rica, Dubai
Get my motorcycle license
buy my Ducati
open an activity center for 12-17 year olds
Some things I need to add:
swim with dolphins
scuba diving
become comfortable enough with my Spanish skills to actually have conversations in Spanish on a regular basis
get married again
go to cooking school
Monday, October 17, 2011
Day Eight
Today's lesson is about the importance of showing gratitude. This is funny to me because after I completed yesterday's lesson, I got to thinking about things. Something I remembered that I used to do but hadn't been doing is expressing gratitude. Forcing myself to think about all of the things I have to be thankful for is absolutely amazing to me! It makes the things I was worrying about seem so stupid and insignificant.
Today I'm thankful for:
waking up
having a car to drive to work
an empty kitchen sink
my health
Stan going in his crate without giving me a hard time
My orthodontist giving me an earlier appointment
finding a better deal on a purchase I made over the weekend
my clothes were dry even though I forgot to start the dryer when I first woke up
my son is building my real estate website and it will cost 1/5th of what I originally expected
remembering to refill the toilet paper in my half bath
strawberry cheerios for breakfast
having well behaved, well adjusted kids
What I love about showing gratitude is after I spend a few minutes thinking about all of the things I have to be thankful for, I feel empowered, confident and secure. I feel like I can do/be/have anything. I love it!
Today I'm thankful for:
waking up
having a car to drive to work
an empty kitchen sink
my health
Stan going in his crate without giving me a hard time
My orthodontist giving me an earlier appointment
finding a better deal on a purchase I made over the weekend
my clothes were dry even though I forgot to start the dryer when I first woke up
my son is building my real estate website and it will cost 1/5th of what I originally expected
remembering to refill the toilet paper in my half bath
strawberry cheerios for breakfast
having well behaved, well adjusted kids
What I love about showing gratitude is after I spend a few minutes thinking about all of the things I have to be thankful for, I feel empowered, confident and secure. I feel like I can do/be/have anything. I love it!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Day Seven
Rest, Reflect and Comment...
Today's lesson is a quick one, I have to reflect on what I've learned about myself this week and write a it about it, then take a break until tomorrow. Woot!
I learned a lot about myself this week. Mostly that I already knew or used to do a lot of these things but I either procrastinate or got out of the habit (aka lazy). I learned that even though I think I'm happy, subconciously I'm holding on to old anger. It's impossible to be happy and angry at the same time, so I did some lessons on my own (found on Oprah's website) to learn how to let go of the anger. I grew up with a single mother who was ALWAYS in a bad mood. Even when my mother smiles, it looks like she's in pain. Smiling doesn't take much effort. Her anger led to me becoming a very fearful and insecure child: I could not go to my mother with anything because it would just piss her off. Not having anyone to turn to left me feeling alone. The feelings of being alone made me worry about whether I could handle the things I needed a parent for on my own, thus I became very insecure. I was already upset with my mother for not protecting me during a crucial time in my life, but the upset feeling turned to outright rage when I realized how little she had given me to prepare for life on my own. I vowed that my kids would not be raised the same way I was, and I kept that promise. Three days ago, I decided to just let it all go. My mother will always be the way she is and I'm not helping myself by being embarrassed by or angry with her. I will never be able to convince her that she can be happier, I can only fix my happiness. Part of being happy is to surround myself with people who are like me and if that means excluding my mother, so be it.
My favorite exercise was writing the personal mission statement. The exercises that led up to writing the mission statement were something like a blue print. It also helped me understand that the overwhelmed feeling I had when I first started the reset is normal...it's human nature to think about the entire exercise as a whole...not that it's easily acheived through breaking it up into 31 manageable pieces. Now I only feel excitement about how different I will be instead of overwhelmed by feelings of wondering whether or not I'll actually finish.
Writing a love letter to my future self was the hardest lesson for me so far. It helped me realize how much time I put into helping and thinking about everyone else but don't do the same for myself. Once I made that realization, it was much easier to write the letter.
Today's lesson is a quick one, I have to reflect on what I've learned about myself this week and write a it about it, then take a break until tomorrow. Woot!
I learned a lot about myself this week. Mostly that I already knew or used to do a lot of these things but I either procrastinate or got out of the habit (aka lazy). I learned that even though I think I'm happy, subconciously I'm holding on to old anger. It's impossible to be happy and angry at the same time, so I did some lessons on my own (found on Oprah's website) to learn how to let go of the anger. I grew up with a single mother who was ALWAYS in a bad mood. Even when my mother smiles, it looks like she's in pain. Smiling doesn't take much effort. Her anger led to me becoming a very fearful and insecure child: I could not go to my mother with anything because it would just piss her off. Not having anyone to turn to left me feeling alone. The feelings of being alone made me worry about whether I could handle the things I needed a parent for on my own, thus I became very insecure. I was already upset with my mother for not protecting me during a crucial time in my life, but the upset feeling turned to outright rage when I realized how little she had given me to prepare for life on my own. I vowed that my kids would not be raised the same way I was, and I kept that promise. Three days ago, I decided to just let it all go. My mother will always be the way she is and I'm not helping myself by being embarrassed by or angry with her. I will never be able to convince her that she can be happier, I can only fix my happiness. Part of being happy is to surround myself with people who are like me and if that means excluding my mother, so be it.
My favorite exercise was writing the personal mission statement. The exercises that led up to writing the mission statement were something like a blue print. It also helped me understand that the overwhelmed feeling I had when I first started the reset is normal...it's human nature to think about the entire exercise as a whole...not that it's easily acheived through breaking it up into 31 manageable pieces. Now I only feel excitement about how different I will be instead of overwhelmed by feelings of wondering whether or not I'll actually finish.
Writing a love letter to my future self was the hardest lesson for me so far. It helped me realize how much time I put into helping and thinking about everyone else but don't do the same for myself. Once I made that realization, it was much easier to write the letter.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Dream Interpretation
I usually don't remember my dreams but I had two that were very clear to me when I woke up. The quick and dirty version of both dreams: a monkey was driving a car, I jumped out to help him get back on the road and offered him a banana. My uncle was yelling for me to leave the monkey alone then I woke up. The second dream a blow fly was flying around my face. I swatted at him and when I hit him, he was squished but didn't die...he flew right back up to my face then I woke up. I did a little research and found that the "feeding the monkey" dream is about trusting someone who is against me. The "flies" dream is about someone annoying in my life. Killing the fly means that I'll redeem myself after a fall from grace. The interpretations were spot on. Fast forward to the idiotic conversation below that took place with my mother earlier today. Anything in parentheses are my thoughts, not part of the conversation.
Mom: Okay whatever. Just be sure you give her money and food for the week every week. Keep your sob guilt to yourself. I was asking for you to be a parent instead of a friend (uhm, WTF are you talking about?)
Me: I give her money for food every week. And if you put as much energy into yourself as you put into minding my business, you wouldn't be so miserable. I didn't ask for your help or advice, and when I do, you don't want to give it. Please keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.
Mom: Check yourself. She's not had money or food (oh yeah, I forgot. Just because you don't see it happen means it never happened. I forgot that you are the center of my world and that I have to prove everything to you. I'll be sure to conduct future transactions in front of you so that you know I did it...NOT). Her friend bought McDonald's the other day. (uhm WRONG AGAIN! Her friend bought her McDonald's because her friend owed her money). Please keep in mind that I am not and have not been miserable (oh really? Is that why you always look pissed? Or why you regularly yell at store clerks and wait staff? Or why you've broken eggs on your neighbors cars? I didn't realize that was how happy people behave). I will always give my opinion (cool...always be prepared to be put in your place). Solicited and unsolicited. You will forever walk in your misery and HATEFUL ways. Forget me! (::clapping:: bravo! I applaud that Emmy winning performance!)
Me: Don't get mad when you get back what you give. Have a nice weekend.
Mom: the only thing you and I have in common are those children. I want no parts of a disrespectful child. You are out of my future. (Alright Shakespeare. I'mma need you to speak like it's 2011. And no, we don't even have my kids in common...you're not their father).
Me: Have a nice weekend! How many times do we speak because I reach out to you? If you didn't contact me, trust you wouldn't hear from me.
Mom: You are so childish. You will never know how much I regret ever knowing you could spew such evil and hatred. You will never have happiness with an evil heart. (Uhm, whatever)
Me: Yeah, what you said. Have a nice weekend.
The monkey and the fly are my mother. After years of stupid arguments, her made up stories and exaggerations about me, and constant meddling, I made the decision that it is time to cut ties with her. We've always had a "hate-hate" relationship. Very toxic and unrewarding. What I have noticed is that when I go long stretches without seeing or communicating with her, my life couldn't be better. As soon as I try to bring her back in...$hit starts falling apart. Mom...you ARE the weakest link. Goodbye!
Mom: Tisha why would you pay for Taylor to get her tongue pierced
Me: It's her form of expression and I'm not going to force what I think she should be or do and have her being resentful when she's an adult. She's not hurting anyone and I don't think it's a big deal. She could be drinking, using drugs, or sleeping around, but she isn't.Mom: Okay whatever. Just be sure you give her money and food for the week every week. Keep your sob guilt to yourself. I was asking for you to be a parent instead of a friend (uhm, WTF are you talking about?)
Me: I give her money for food every week. And if you put as much energy into yourself as you put into minding my business, you wouldn't be so miserable. I didn't ask for your help or advice, and when I do, you don't want to give it. Please keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.
Mom: Check yourself. She's not had money or food (oh yeah, I forgot. Just because you don't see it happen means it never happened. I forgot that you are the center of my world and that I have to prove everything to you. I'll be sure to conduct future transactions in front of you so that you know I did it...NOT). Her friend bought McDonald's the other day. (uhm WRONG AGAIN! Her friend bought her McDonald's because her friend owed her money). Please keep in mind that I am not and have not been miserable (oh really? Is that why you always look pissed? Or why you regularly yell at store clerks and wait staff? Or why you've broken eggs on your neighbors cars? I didn't realize that was how happy people behave). I will always give my opinion (cool...always be prepared to be put in your place). Solicited and unsolicited. You will forever walk in your misery and HATEFUL ways. Forget me! (::clapping:: bravo! I applaud that Emmy winning performance!)
Me: Don't get mad when you get back what you give. Have a nice weekend.
Mom: the only thing you and I have in common are those children. I want no parts of a disrespectful child. You are out of my future. (Alright Shakespeare. I'mma need you to speak like it's 2011. And no, we don't even have my kids in common...you're not their father).
Me: Have a nice weekend! How many times do we speak because I reach out to you? If you didn't contact me, trust you wouldn't hear from me.
Mom: I'm not mad. As I said I was giving my opinion. You don't have to spew such hatred with your response. I noticed your nasty disposition last weekend and I did
Me: I gave up on you years ago, I tolerated you because my kids want you around.Mom: Well now they're grown. So have a nice life.
Me: I'm done with your dramatics. Have a nice weekend. I'm about to do the same. (At this time, she sent me an email, which I deleted without ever reading). FYI, I deleted your email and I'm not reading anymore of your texts. (I stopped reading anything from her at this point).Mom: You are so childish. You will never know how much I regret ever knowing you could spew such evil and hatred. You will never have happiness with an evil heart. (Uhm, whatever)
Me: Yeah, what you said. Have a nice weekend.
The monkey and the fly are my mother. After years of stupid arguments, her made up stories and exaggerations about me, and constant meddling, I made the decision that it is time to cut ties with her. We've always had a "hate-hate" relationship. Very toxic and unrewarding. What I have noticed is that when I go long stretches without seeing or communicating with her, my life couldn't be better. As soon as I try to bring her back in...$hit starts falling apart. Mom...you ARE the weakest link. Goodbye!
Day Six
My personal mission statement:
Independence, health and financial security are things that I value. It is important for me to be in a peaceful, private environment and to have leisure time for myself, my children, and my friends. Everyday I will put as much effort as required into making sure I live the best life possible. I will use my time to learn as much as I can about anything that interests me. I will spend time volunteering for negotiators that benefit children. I will donate regularly to my favorite charities. I will not waste my life on anything that is not beneficial to me, my children/friends or the organizations that I volunteer for. I will live the life that I've always dreamed of.
Independence, health and financial security are things that I value. It is important for me to be in a peaceful, private environment and to have leisure time for myself, my children, and my friends. Everyday I will put as much effort as required into making sure I live the best life possible. I will use my time to learn as much as I can about anything that interests me. I will spend time volunteering for negotiators that benefit children. I will donate regularly to my favorite charities. I will not waste my life on anything that is not beneficial to me, my children/friends or the organizations that I volunteer for. I will live the life that I've always dreamed of.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day Five
Today's exercise is about living our values and putting them in action. While writing my values in action, I noticed that it looks very much like a plan. My aha is that if I refer back to this lesson, I can use it to measure my success/hold myself accountable! I had already taken steps to put my values in action (but didn't realize it). One of those values is protecting my health. Even though I was only 15 or so pounds overweight, I believe I am a bonafied food addict. I noticed that I feel elated when I eat and that I'm probably eating because I like that feeling NOT because I'm hungry. I pay attention to my feelings before I eat, which helps me eat "normal" portion sizes. I drink a lot of water...pretty close to a gallon per day. I lost 8 lbs pretty quickly just making these changes. My values in action will make it easier to be honest with myself.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day Four
It hasn't even been a week, and I feel better already. I look forward to checking my email for my daily assignment. Today's assignment is to take at least 15 minutes to create of list of things that I value: my independence, health, financial security, love, happiness, family, helping others....just a few of the things I put on my list. We then have to narrow the list down to just 10 for tomorrow's assignment.
I'm also realizing that I was feeling overwhelmed for no reason. These assignments force me to think positively. I was worried that this would be a chore, and that I'd have to make serious changes to my schedule to fit this in. Not the case. By the end of the exercise, this will be second-nature.
I'm also realizing that I was feeling overwhelmed for no reason. These assignments force me to think positively. I was worried that this would be a chore, and that I'd have to make serious changes to my schedule to fit this in. Not the case. By the end of the exercise, this will be second-nature.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Day Three
It hasn't taken long for reality to set in. I knew my "transformation" was going to take work but I hadn't put much thought into all I would have to do on a regular basis. This is not like riding a bike...it's not something you learn, quit, and pick up where ever you left off. It's more like being a recovering addict....it has to be something you want everyday of your life. You have to consciously put forth effort to make your life what you want it to be...but overtime it gets easier because it becomes a part of you.
I almost flipped out this morning when I opened my mail and saw day 4's assignment. I couldn't believe I missed an assignment already! Thankfully, I didn't miss the assignment...the mail just came earlier than it should have. Today's assignment was to write a love letter to myself. I thought it was going to be impossible to write but once I started, it took less than 15 minutes to finish. I am a huge believer in the law of attraction....and I felt this letter was my "notice to the universe" of the kind of life that I will have. I guess that's my aha: I put it out there and it will come back to me.
I almost flipped out this morning when I opened my mail and saw day 4's assignment. I couldn't believe I missed an assignment already! Thankfully, I didn't miss the assignment...the mail just came earlier than it should have. Today's assignment was to write a love letter to myself. I thought it was going to be impossible to write but once I started, it took less than 15 minutes to finish. I am a huge believer in the law of attraction....and I felt this letter was my "notice to the universe" of the kind of life that I will have. I guess that's my aha: I put it out there and it will come back to me.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day Two
I completed my assignment and found that overall, I'm happy with the areas of my life the assignment measured (lifestyle, education, finances, health, family and relationships). My aha is that even though I'm not happy with one of the areas, the amount of time I spend stressing over that area negatively impacts everything else. Because of the energy/focus I put trying to fix one area, everything else is neglected and THAT is what's causing problems for me. It's not that I don't have time to take that class, it's not that my daughter is too much of a diva or my mom doesn't listen. It's that I'm not nurturing or maintaining all of the areas of my life as I should be.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Day One
Insomnia isn't always a bad thing. This morning I decided to check FB and a friend of mine sent a note to ask if I'd heard of the "31 Day Reset". I hadn't, so I googled it and liked what I read. I had already decided a month ago that I needed to redo some things in my life....the "Reset" will be a tool in my arsenal. I was so excited about it that it took me longer than usual to fall back asleep. I can't wait to get started!
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