Day Seven

Rest, Reflect and Comment...

Today's lesson is a quick one, I have to reflect on what I've learned about myself this week and write a it about it, then take a break until tomorrow.  Woot!

I learned a lot about myself this week.  Mostly that I already knew  or used to do a lot of these things but I either procrastinate or got out of the habit (aka lazy).  I learned that even though I think I'm happy, subconciously I'm holding on to old anger.  It's impossible to be happy and angry at the same time, so I did some lessons on my own (found on Oprah's website) to learn how to let go of the anger.  I grew up with a single mother who was ALWAYS in a bad mood.  Even when my mother smiles, it looks like she's in pain.  Smiling doesn't take much effort.  Her anger led to me becoming a very fearful and insecure child:  I could not go to my mother with anything because it would just piss her off.  Not having anyone to turn to left me feeling alone.  The feelings of being alone made me worry about whether I could handle the things I needed a parent for on my own, thus I became very insecure.  I was already upset with my mother for not protecting me during a crucial time in my life, but the upset feeling turned to outright rage when I realized how little she had given me to prepare for life on my own.  I vowed that my kids would not be raised the same way I was, and I kept that promise.  Three days ago, I decided to just let it all go.  My mother will always be the way she is and I'm not helping myself by being embarrassed by or angry with her.  I will never be able to convince her that she can be happier, I can only fix my happiness.  Part of being happy is to surround myself with people who are like me and if that means excluding my mother, so be it.

My favorite exercise was writing the personal mission statement.  The exercises that led up to writing the mission statement were something like a blue print.  It also helped me understand that the overwhelmed feeling I had when I first started the reset is normal...it's human nature to think about the entire exercise as a whole...not that it's easily acheived through breaking it up into 31 manageable pieces.  Now I only feel excitement about how different I will be instead of overwhelmed by feelings of wondering whether or not I'll actually finish.

Writing a love letter to my future self was the hardest lesson for me so far.  It helped me realize how much time I put into helping and thinking about everyone else but don't do the same for myself.  Once I made that realization, it was much easier to write the letter.