2012 Resolutions

I won't get mad at my 12 year old daughter for her inadequate hygiene.
NCI will soon be a distant memory and I'll give my real estate career the attention it deserves.
I will travel more.
I'll go back to my 2 hour minimum workouts to help keep stress out of my life.
I will not have to think about showing gratitude, it will be a habit that becomes second nature.
I will dedicate 30 minutes everyday to meditation.
I will stop eating out so often.
I will pay off all of my debt.
I will nurture new and established relationships to ensure that they remain healthy.
I will continue weeding out people and things that are not beneficial to me.
I'll see a doctor about my health concerns instead of thinking I'm too young/too fit to be sick.
I'll sign up for cooking school.

Talk about dysfunction??

I don't believe that we have to put up with crap from people just because they're related to us.  I don't care if it's your parents, your kids, your cousins...we all deserve to be treated a certain way and those who can't manage to do that don't deserve our time.

Back in September, I stopped speaking to my mother.  After almost 41 years of being told I'm stupid, worthless, would never do anything with my life, I'm not important, I'm a whore, a liar, and whatever else came to mind, I decided I'm not putting up with it anymore.  If I let her treat me that way, I have no business expecting any better from anyone else.  I tried reasoning with my mother, but you have to be a complete idiot to try reasoning with an irrational person.  My mother believes that asking her: to stop calling me stupid, stop telling my kids that I'm a drug addict/prostitute, stop being so rude and nasty to me is disrespectful.  Respect is earned, not given...and you don't get it just because you're alive or older than I am.  When my mother texted me in September as if she supports me physically, emotionally and financially about something I chose to let my child do, I admit, it ticked me off.  Even though I was mad at her, I did not respond in a rude manner.  I asked her to please stay out of situations between me and my daughter unless one of us asks for her help.  She went off and I told her I wanted to terminate our relationship until she learns to be more respectful toward me.  Don't call me a dumb ass my whole life and then act like I'm abnormal because I don't like it!

Every single important person that I've introduced my mother to, she used as an opportunity to make me look stupid.  When I introduced her to my ex-husband, what does she do?  Ask him what why he would want someone like me because I have nothing to offer.  My ex-husband later turned out to be a jackass.  He was extremely abusive toward me...always telling me I'm ugly, fat, a whore, stupid, worthless.  When he realized the words didn't bother me anymore, he started hitting me.  I remember a conversation I had with my mother about why I decided to leave my ex-husband.  I told her I had to leave because even though he didn't hit me in front of our kids, I didn't want them thinking that was OK.  My mom's response?  You're hard to deal with and probably did something to deserve it.  A couple years later, I started dating a really nice guy.  Took him to meet mom, what does she do?  "What do you want with someone like Tisha, she don't have nothing to offer.  She's a burden, why would you take on a single mother with three kids?"  Thanks for your vote of confidence "mom"!  My mother is an extremely hateful and probably mentally ill person...and she takes her hate out on me.  I don't care if she's my mother, I don't have to tolerate her BS.

Anyway, my kids have grown up hearing my mother talk hatefully about me.  They've been there during her rants/tantrums.  They know it's not right...which is why I'm totally shocked/hurt/ready to cut two of them off.  My son recently started dating this girl and asked me to come to my mother's house for Christmas.  I told him I understand where he's coming from and that he wants to make a good impression for his girlfriend but I'm NOT going to my mother's house unless 1) she apologizes 2) SHE invites me.  My son said "you know that's not happening"...and he's right.  So why the hell would he ask me to once again overlook my mother's poor behavior and subject myself to her verbal abuse?  That's extremely selfish to me.  Because my mother has an audience...his girlfriend, she'll use the opportunity to show her ass.  I'm not going to be her verbal punching bag anymore.  You go have your little Christmas with her and your girlfriend....my sanity and happiness are more important than to subject myself to her crap.  I feel like my son's desire to make a good impression for his girlfriend is more important to him than understanding what I feel.  As if that's not enough, my 17 year old daughter had the nerve to ask the same thing!  Our family is NOT normal and I'm tired of faking like it is!

Anyway, I made my own plans for Christmas.  Christmas is about LOVE...and there is no love between my mother and I.

Stop lyin'!

I'm a single mother of a son and two daughters.  Girls are definitely a lot more work, drama, and heart ache than boys.  I am not ashamed to admit that all of my kids get on my daggone nerves at times but my daughters do it a little better than my son.  My oldest daughter is an ugly, narcissistic person.  I love her to death, but I'm not happy with the person she's turning out to be.  She openly only cares about herself.  She actually googled "Narcissism" and was proud that she is the description that she read.  I told her she should be ashamed and should be trying to change her behavior. To tell a little about the type of person she is, she's the snob who's stuck on herself....but no one really knows why.  She thinks that because she's cute, that looks are all she has to bring to the table.  She's rude.  She is disrespectful.  She will only help if there is a benefit to her.  This child NEVER speaks to my father even though I encourage all of my kids to keep in touch with him.  I made plans to spend Thanksgiving with my father and his side of the family.  I had no intention of taking my oldest daughter because I knew it would be a miserable trip if she went.  She'd complain the whole ride up and back from NYC.  She'd ask for everything she saw then would pout and pick fights and cop an attitude with everyone around her whenever I told her I wasn't buying whatever it was she asked for.  When she told me she didn't want to go, I was glad.  A few days later, she changed her mind.  I knew she'd act up, but I made up my mind that she wasn't going to ruin my time with my family.  The day she told me she decided to go, this is what happened:

Daughter:  I wonder what grandpa got me for my birthday.
Me:  Probably nothing, you don't even speak to him.
Daughter:  That doesn't mean anything.  He knows it's my birthday, he should still get me something.  I hope he gives me $500 so I can go shopping.
Me:  Well, if I put myself in his shoes, I wouldn't spend a dime on anyone who can't even be bothered to say hello or ask me how I'm doing....family or not.

My daughter didn't get it.  Sometimes I feel like an idiot for continuously giving her chances to do better...for hoping that by setting the right example, she'll just pick up on it and start doing better.  She never does.  Today she texted me to ask when I can give her $200 so she can take a driving course.  No "hello mom" "how are you mom" "are you busy mom"....just straight to "what can you do for me".  I am tired of telling her not to talk to me unless she's doing it in a way that's acceptable to me and her not picking up on the fact that I ignore her when she doesn't speak to me the way I expect.  If someone asks how things are going, I tell the truth.  I'm good but my oldest daughter is getting on my nerves.  Then I get the "oh my kids never get on my nerves and I'm so happy to be a mom and everything is always perfect".  Stop lyin!  At some point, every child gets on their parents last damn nerve.  It doesn't mean that you don't love the child, it means the child is being a pain in the arse...nothing else.  Kids are no different than anyone else....there's no one that we ALWAYS feel like being with.  I strongly dislike when friends/family act like I'm abnormal for admitting that my kids get on my nerves sometimes.  I'm not a bad mother because of it.  I'm not going to strap my kids in the back seat of my car then drive it into a lake.  I'm keeping it real...something other parents should probably do. 

I would totally be in a psych ward somewhere if I pretended that I love every single minute of motherhood.  Some days I feel like packing up and rolling out.  Totally "normal" to FEEL that way, especially when you have no support system.  NOT "normal" to act on it.  In order to move past an "anger management moment" you have to put it out there...let it go.  I can't keep it pent up and pretend it doesn't exist...spent my entire childhood and part of my adulthood doing that, and I'm not doing that anymore.  People need to learn how to listen.  Learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  And if you're going to make comparisons, how about an apples to apples comparison and not the old apples to oranges comparison?  If you have never spent a day as a single mother, who and how the hell are you going to tell me that it's not normal for me to feel annoyed by my kids?  I'm just annoyed with my kids, I don't hate them!  Heck, you have a husband helping you support your kids financially, emotionally and physically....of course you can't relate to what I feel.

People think I'm mean when I say my kids have to move out on their own if they don't go to college when they turn 18.  It's not mean.  I've done my part and I'm reclaiming that part of my life.  I've taken care of my kids most of their lives with no help whatsoever from my ex-husband....so when they're 18, I'm done.  That doesn't mean that I won't help them whenever they need it, it just means that I'm not providing EVERYTHING for them.

Today I'm thankful for...

Sleeping through the night TWO nights in a row :)
Recognizing opportunity and taking advantage of it
My little yorkie Stanlee....I'm always as happy to see him as he is to see me
Being able to make a lunch date with Dottie...I always learn something when I'm with her

Showing gratitude

In an effort to remind myself to show gratitude/appreciation on a regular basis, I'm going to blog about it.  Whenever I find myself in a crappy mood, it doesn't take long to turn things around by thinking about how awesome my life actually is.

Today I was peeved because my stupid blackberry was acting up.  It isn't holding a charge; I have it programmed to automatically shut off every night while it charges.  Usually, it holds that charge for a couple of days, depending on how much I use the internet.  Lately, it's only been holding staying charged for about four hours before being so drained that it shuts down.  Whenever it is charged, a little timer keeps popping up....about every 2-3 minutes.  As long as that timer is up, the phone won't do anything.  It's been getting worse every day.  When I woke up this morning, the phone was fully charged.  Two hours later it was dead.  Then my mind started wandering....wtf am I going to do without my blackberry?  Damn, I don't know how to use any other phone and there are tons to choose from...which one am I gonna get?  Double damn!  Phones are expensive and I haven't even had the blackberry for a year...why is this stupid phone dead already! I can't afford this ish right now!  Dang it, I have to pay my electric, gas, water, car...and shoot, rent too...and this #@%$#@ phone is acting up?  Just what I need!  I realized what I was doing and had to force myself to leave that bad place I was in.  I wrote a "Dear John" letter to my blackberry and posted it on facebook.  Sounds ridiculous, but it made me feel better.  It made me realize that my phone is just a tool and that I don't have to be a slave to it.  I realized that it's not the end of the world and that I can get another phone from Verizon even though I'm not eligible for an upgrade.  I realized that it was stupid of me to go from a phone acting up to 'my life sucks'.

I am thankful for my ability to be honest with myself.  I am thankful that I didn't waste a whole day being upset over something trivial.  My day turned out to be a very good one:  I found some really good leads on jobs that pay significantly more than what I make where I am now...and the work is EASIER than what I'm doing now!  I picked up two warm real estate leads.  They're both rentals, but they're both well qualified and can close in the next 30 days.  To do both of them will take about 4 hours of my time for a $1000 in commissions.  I'll take it!  And lastly, I'm thankful that my blackberry mysteriously started working like it used to.  I don't know or care how that happened....just that it did!

I get it!

Last night, my son took my daughters and I to dinner.  He wanted to introduce us to his new girlfriend.  During dinner, we chatted, nothing major, just getting caught up on events that took place during the past week.  My son and I work for the same company, and I had taken the week off for Thanksgiving.  My son mentioned that the owners of the company we work for bought the building across from us...I knew they'd been talking about doing it, but wasn't sure if they'd actually do it or not since it makes absolutely NO sense for them to make that purchase even though we need more space.  My son went on to mention some other things that came up while I was out, but the purchase of the building wouldn't leave my mind.  Probably because "my little voice" kept shouting "NOW do you get it?".  Yeah, I get it.

For the last six years, I've been working for myself as a real estate agent.  In spite of all the protests and people telling me I'd never succeed and that I was a fool to not have a "real job", I did extremely well.  I made more money than I knew what to do with.  I never worried about how I was going to pay my bills.  I wasn't stressing over writing my yearly review in hopes of getting a 3% raise, which is nothing in my opinion, only to find out my employer felt I was only worth 1.75%.  I was proud of my accomplishments and for the first time was happy with what I did to make a living.  Even though I was living large, there were haters...always in my ear telling me that I was probably only successful because I slept with my clients.  What do YOU have to offer that anyone could possibly want?  Everything!  I used to be able to let that type of thing roll off my back.  When haters would talk ish before, I felt motivated and empowered.  What happened to that me?  I upgraded my life but didn't upgrade my crowd.

Some of us are raised to believe that we are only worth what someone else thinks we're worth.  We're taught that if you think highly of yourself, that you're selfish.  You're conceited.  You're egotistical.  Which can be true if your thoughts of yourself aren't coming from the right place.  What I've learned is that if you don't think highly of yourself, neither will anyone else.  My life fell apart when I stopped believing in me.

Last year I decided to get a "real job".  I started believing the hype about the real estate market:  'you have kids, it's irresponsible of you as a parent to try to make it in this market without a REAL JOB'...or 'there are no buyers or sellers out there, how are you going to live?'.  In all the years I've been an agent, I never advertised and never had to worry about where work would come from.  I believed that as long as I was appreciative for what I had and showed gratitude, more of the good stuff I'd been getting would keep coming to me.  Of course, since I hadn't upgraded my crowd, everyone was telling me 'you're crazy/stupid/retarded'. No matter who you are, when you keep the wrong company, eventually they are going to bring you down.  I thought I'd learned to love myself enough to not allow myself to believe the bad things "friends" and "family" said to/about me...but I didn't.

So I decided to get a "real job".  I found one paying something like $40K a year.  Far below what I'm worth but I took it because I was tired of sending out resumes.  Huge mistake/step in the wrong direction.  My tiny little checks pretty much paid for my gas to get back and forth to work.  I had a very nice car...an absolutely beautiful black on black ML500.  My "real job" didn't pay me enough to live, so I sold the car to be able to make it through last winter.  I lost my house.  While looking for a "real job", I stopped doing real estate so I had no income.  I lost all of my "stuff"....tons of furniture (I lived in a 5 bedroom fully furnished house), designer handbags, shoes, clothes, art work.  I hadn't found a "real job", so I couldn't pay my $350 storage bill.  I asked my "friends" and "family" for help.  Every single one of them said no.  My little voice was telling me, 'dump these zeroes and find you some heroes'.  I ignored it.

After I lost all my of my "stuff", I found another "real job".  I've been with them for almost a year.  The owners of the company saw my resume and know what I'm bringing to the table.  They offered me $60K a year under the condition that I stop doing real estate all together.  Out of desperation, I took it.  I'm absolutely miserable here.  I am highly talented and have so much to offer.  Instead of using my talents to their benefit, I'm literally hidden in a back office. I'm not allowed to meet clients.  I'm often left out of important company communications.  Staff are plucked from my team to fill in other areas WITHOUT speaking to me first.  Why?  I'm a threat.  And that's a good thing.

When my son told me the owners bought the new building, I was angry.  Not two weeks ago, I approached the owners and told them that I needed more money.  I told them that if I hadn't given up real estate, I only had to sell two $250K houses per month to make more than what they're paying me.  They asked what it would take for me to stay and not do real estate.  I told them at least $75K.  When I said that out loud, that's when I realized I am short-changing myself.  I am damn good at everything I do and I'm worth significantly more than that.  I have created processes that allow this company to make between $25K and $60K per event that we do for a particular client.  We do about 24 events per year for this client.  Do the math.  This company is making bank on my process.  Do you know how they thank me?  "We'll give you a $7000 per year raise but we can't tell you when that will take effect".  Hmmm...I wonder if I tell the electric company that I'll pay my bill as soon as I get my raise, if will they leave my lights on?  I get it.  Do I have to lose everything AGAIN before I wake the hell up?!?  The owners have $250K to buy the building next door but can't tell me when I'll get the raise I was promised?  Not only that, they haven't even spoken with HR and payroll about the increase I was promised.  I GET IT!

It's never OK to settle.  Don't sell yourself short.  Don't let anyone else determine your destiny.  If your "crowd" is telling you anything that doesn't mesh with what you're "little voice" is telling you, get a new crowd.  If you think or treat yourself poorly, don't be surprised when everyone else does it too.  Now that I've gotten honest with myself about how poorly my "real job" is actually treating me, I've set a new goal:  find and close 3 real estate deals so that I can quit and do what I want and not what someone else wants for me.

Random Thought Inspired by a Tweet

I consider myself to be an expert people watcher...and my people watching experience has taught me that most people WILL NOT do the right thing when they think no one is watching.  Ultimately, we are very ego driven....more motivated to do things when there's something in it for us.  I've tested my theory many times by simply paying someone a compliment.  Many people look around to see if I'm really talking to them...some tell me 'I don't have any money'....some actually think I'm making fun of them.  It's sad that so many of us can't even take a compliment.

There was this guy that I had the biggest crush on a couple years ago.  I told him that I was attracted to him and wanted to spend time with him outside of work (yes, we worked together)....and I didn't tell him in "Womanese"...I told him straight up 'I like you and I want to spend time with you outside of work'.  He thought I was kidding.  Eventually he realized I was serious and it went from him thinking I was messing with his head to him putting himself down whenever we talked because he genuinely could not figure out why I would be interested in him...even though I told him many times.

It makes me sad that we are so quick to criticize each other but ridiculously slow to share praise and love.  Something I learned during my 31 Day Reset and watching Oprah's Life Class is that ultimately what we think of ourselves is our responsibility but getting to the point where we feel good about ourselves comes from affirmation that we get from others.  This is something that should have taken place when we were being raised, but all of us don't get that.  I never knew why I felt an uncontrollable urge to tell people good things about themselves until the 31 Day Reset/Oprah's Life Class.  I can remember being a teen and giving random compliments.  Even my friends thought I was making fun of people and not being genuine.  I do it because it's the right thing to do.  I do it because it feels so good inside to make others feel good.  You never know what people are really thinking or going through, a lot of us are conditioned to keep the truth to ourselves and tell people what they want to hear.  Some of us want to hear the truth, not the fluff that we were taught to give.  You never know how a simple word of kindness can totally turn someone's day or even life, around.

Before I made this post, I was in a bad mood.  I spent the week up in NYC with my family (Dad's side) having the time of my life.  I left early this morning to come back home to VA.  I strongly dislike living in VA....and it's been that way since I was a kid. After my parents divorced, my mother decided she needed a change and that VA was the place for her change to happen.  About an hour into the drive home, my son called me.  He stayed the night in Alexandria and someone broke both windows out of his car (he drives a coupe) and stole his radio.  I made sure he called the police and his insurance company, then continued driving.  About 30 minutes later, Stanlee (my Yorkie) starts whining, NOW he wants to go pee.  He couldn't do it when I walked him BEFORE we got on the road, he has to do it NOW.  I get off the highway to find a place for Stan to pee and he won't go!  I make the most of my "wasted" stop and put gas in my car. I gave Stan one more chance to pee, thank goodness he did this time.  I get back on the road and make it back to VA.  I get home and there are random lights on in my house.  Damn landlord is snooping around my house again.  He keeps saying he never comes in the house, but I keep finding things out of place and random lights on.  He's the only one with a key besides me.  He still uses my mailbox to get his mail and comes by every month and a half or so to get his mail.  It HAS to be him coming in here. I got something for his behind...I ordered a wireless home monitoring system that allows me to see what's going on inside my house from anywhere that I have internet access.  Verizon delivered it and it was sitting on my porch when I pulled up in front of my house!

Since I couldn't find my "happy space" and kept focusing on what's wrong, I decided to take a nap.  Before I went down for my nap, I noticed my blackberry was flashing red.  I checked it.  It was a tweet from a new follower.  She wanted me to know that she's following me and that she read my blog and "gets me". Very short and simple message but that's all I needed to 'snap out of it' and get back to my happy space.  Now all the things I was so ticked about earlier seem trivial (except living in VA lol).

Anyway, I would like to see everyone be kind to people just because they're fellow human beings.  Anybody can be a jackass and say something hurtful.  Challenge yourself.  Do something different.  Be a stand up kind of person and say or do something nice instead. 

Why?!?

What is it about some people that they just won't take no for an answer? 

I met this guy and after talking on the phone a bit, I decided I'm not interested in keeping in touch with him, even as friends.  He wants a relationship, I don't. He asked me about keeping some time open so we could do something together.  I told him I wasn't willing to do that; I have my own needs/wants/desires to focus on and that I'm not willing to change anything in my life in order to accommodate him.  It would hurt my feelings if someone said that to me.  Not this guy.  Ever since I told him that, he's texting me every day multiple times during the day (even though I asked him not to bother me at work) and multiple times after he gets off of work.  It doesn't matter that I ignore his texts for days at a time, he just keeps at it.  He's not going to grow on me, if anything, he'll be blocked from calling/texting me.  I'm not going to think he's so sweet that I'll rethink what I told him and change my mind, if anything, I'll think he's an even bigger stalker than I originally thought.  I shouldn't have to give him a reason for not being interested in him....the fact that I told him I'm not interested in having a relationship with him should be enough.  Guess that's another difference in our levels of maturity....this guy is almost 10 years younger than I am.

He's not as confident as I like a man to be...he needs a lot of reassurance and often fishes for compliments.  I think he's boring.  I would rather sit and watch dust accumulate on my furniture than go out with this guy.  He's very inexperienced and I just don't have the patience to work with him.  I'm not interested in carrying EVERY conversation we have...when I do actually talk to him, he just sits there saying nothing or is over the top with compliments.  I'm not 10....complimenting me on every little thing I do does nothing for my ego.  He offers to change into what he thinks will be more attractive to me.  I don't want a mini-me or a puppet.  Be who you are!  Most importantly, I'm not looking for a doormat.  If you find yourself offering to cut someone's grass just to be around, you're being a doormat.  If you're offering money or other materialistic items to get someone's attention, you're being a doormat.  You should think better of yourself than that.  Anyway, why can't you just take the no instead of pushing me to tell you you're boring, inexperienced, fake with all the compliments and things you like?

Feeling like a misfit

I absolutely have to find a new crowd.  My beliefs are significantly different than most of the people around me.  So much so that I tend not to even express my feelings or beliefs because I'm constantly in a position of defending myself; what I call "closed minded thinkers" always want me to feel that I'm wrong because I'm the only in the group who thinks what I think.

Earlier today, I was having a conversation with two ladies I work with.  We were talking about death and how people deal with it.  These ladies were talking about how they cried at family member's funerals and how ridiculous some people act over wills, etc.  I didn't say anything about crying when someone dies, because I feel differently about death.  I don't cry...and because I don't cry, I don't attend funerals.  I believe that the life we have now is just one stage...similar to a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.  Some of us have few days in the caterpillar stage, so of us have tons of days in the caterpillar stage.  When I think back on the deaths of family members, I realized that when I cried...I was crying because of the emptiness I felt because I couldn't see that person everyday.  I felt like he/she left ME.  Thinking further, I realized how selfish I was...I wasn't mourning the loss, I was sad because I didn't want to deal with my loved one not being around anymore.  That made me think about my feelings more...and that's when I realized that death isn't a loss at all.  We can't see the ones we lose everyday, but they are STILL with us.  The time we had with the loved one should be CELEBRATED...not MOURNED.   I reached that conclusion 17 years ago.  I've only shared my belief with my kids...I've raised them to be open-minded/receptive to different ways of thinking.  My open-mindedness has caused family members to accuse me of being a bad parent, irresponsible, crazy and even a drug addict.   Anyway, I'm watching Oprah's Life Class from yesterday....and I have chills up my spine because the conversation I avoided at work today is one of the class topics (death).  Oprah and the gentleman she's talking to have the same belief about death that I do.  My aha is that I need to upgrade my crowd.  It is hard to find people who are as open-minded as I am, but instead of being lazy and just giving in and settling for allowing the wrong types of people into my life, I have to put in work.  I am definitely worth it.

Day Ten

Today I'll work on eliminating a limiting belief.  I always have this underlying feeling that I'm not good enough.  I believe it comes from not being validated as a child.  My parents divorced when I was a kid.  Once the divorce was final, my father forgot he had kids.  He didn't visit or pay child support and the only time he called was to ask me to find someone to get a driver's license in his name.  Love you too dad!  Anyway, being a 10 year old, I interpreted my father leaving and not even taking the time to even call us (my sister and I) as his not loving us.  My mother was always a very angry woman and after the divorce, her anger eventually became bitterness.  She is still a very bitter woman.  My father was very loving and expressive of his feelings, and that's what I learned from him.  After he left, that's something that stayed with me.  My bedtime ritual had always been to hug and kiss my parents or cuddle before going to sleep.  Just because my father wasn't around didn't mean I couldn't keep doing that.  I remember going to my mother to tell her that I loved her and to kiss her good night and she told me to get out of her face.  Even though I was very young, her pushing me away made me realize that my mother never said "I love you" unless I said it to her first.  At that moment I decided I wasn't going to say it anymore....and I've never heard "I love you" from my mother since.  That was 30 years ago.  Yeah she buys me birthday cards that skirt around being "loving" but that just isn't the same.  Later in my life when I was a teen, my mother allowed three of her brothers to live with us.  Two of them were awesome and I'm happy to have had the experience.  The third brother was delusional.  When I was 12, this uncle was an addict but my mother would have him stay with us to help with child care.  He would tell me stories about murders he committed and how feared he was in NYC.  My uncle started planting seeds in my head that I wasn't my mother's birth child.  I already had doubts that I was her child, even though I look like her...that was how I justified my mother's rejection of me. He confirmed what I already felt.  Fast forward to 16.  This same uncle moved in with us again.  He started up with the murder stories again...but he was different toward me than he had been.  He seemed to think we were lovers.  In his mind, I was madly in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  He ended up raping me multiple times and I became pregnant.  That experience stripped any shred of self-worth I had left.  I was 16 years old and lost my virginity to rape. Not only was I raped but it was by a family member who was an addict and regularly slept with prostitutes.  On top of that, I was pregnant.  I was a loser...used goods...and no one could possibly love me.  I ended up having an abortion....I could not imagine giving birth to that child.  My uncle tormented me calling me a baby killer and telling me how I ruined "our family" by murdering his baby.  I went to my mother and asked her to ask her brother to move out.  She immediately became hostile and started yelling.  My brother will leave when he is good and ready.  Blood is thicker than water, if anybody is leaving, it will be you.  Wow! I decided not to tell my mother what happened.

Eventually, I ended up telling my mother what happened.  After my uncle moved out on his own, he married a woman with three kids.  He was doing to her son what he had been doing to me.  When her son told his mother what happened, my uncle shot her and then himself.  She lived, he died.  At about 3 in the morning, someone was frantically knocking on my door.  I knew it was my mother because she had been calling me but I ignored her calls.  We had a huge fight and I didn't want to speak with her.  She told me about my uncle being flown up to DC and she wanted me to go with her to see him before he was taken off life support.  I told her I wasn't interested and was going back to bed.  My uncle died later that day.  I didn't meet with my family when his funeral was being planned.  Didn't go to his wake.  Didn't go to his funeral.  I was glad he was dead.  After the dust settled, I told my mother about what her brother did to me.  She called me a liar.  She told me that I would do anything for attention.  She said if those are the types of things I was going to say about her family, then I was no longer a part of her family.  At that moment, I no longer had a mother....I was on my own.  It's been that way ever since.


Even though my heart knows that I'm good enough and worthy of whatever my heart desires...there's a nagging little voice in the back of my head telling me 'you're not good enough', 'you have to keep your life a secret because you aren't like everyone else', 'it's OK to be different but you're different in the wrong ways'.  I AM good enough.  I am not defined by the things that happened to me and I need to stop telling myself that I don't deserve the best life has to offer.

Day Nine

Today's lesson is to create a bucket list.  Too easy...I created mine months ago :)

Some of the things on my bucket list are:
get my passport
take trips to Greece, Italy, Costa Rica, Dubai
Get my motorcycle license
buy my Ducati
open an activity center for 12-17 year olds

Some things I need to add:
swim with dolphins
scuba diving
become comfortable enough with my Spanish skills to actually have conversations in Spanish on a regular basis
get married again
go to cooking school

Day Eight

Today's lesson is about the importance of showing gratitude.  This is funny to me because after I completed yesterday's lesson, I got to thinking about things.  Something I remembered that I used to do but hadn't been doing is expressing gratitude.  Forcing myself to think about all of the things I have to be thankful for is absolutely amazing to me!  It makes the things I was worrying about seem so stupid and insignificant.

Today I'm thankful for:
waking up
having a car to drive to work
an empty kitchen sink
my health
Stan going in his crate without giving me a hard time
My orthodontist giving me an earlier appointment
finding a better deal on a purchase I made over the weekend
my clothes were dry even though I forgot to start the dryer when I first woke up
my son is building my real estate website and it will cost 1/5th of what I originally expected
remembering to refill the toilet paper in my half bath
strawberry cheerios for breakfast
having well behaved, well adjusted kids

What I love about showing gratitude is after I spend a few minutes thinking about all of the things I have to be thankful for, I feel empowered, confident and secure.  I feel like I can do/be/have anything.  I love it!

Day Seven

Rest, Reflect and Comment...

Today's lesson is a quick one, I have to reflect on what I've learned about myself this week and write a it about it, then take a break until tomorrow.  Woot!

I learned a lot about myself this week.  Mostly that I already knew  or used to do a lot of these things but I either procrastinate or got out of the habit (aka lazy).  I learned that even though I think I'm happy, subconciously I'm holding on to old anger.  It's impossible to be happy and angry at the same time, so I did some lessons on my own (found on Oprah's website) to learn how to let go of the anger.  I grew up with a single mother who was ALWAYS in a bad mood.  Even when my mother smiles, it looks like she's in pain.  Smiling doesn't take much effort.  Her anger led to me becoming a very fearful and insecure child:  I could not go to my mother with anything because it would just piss her off.  Not having anyone to turn to left me feeling alone.  The feelings of being alone made me worry about whether I could handle the things I needed a parent for on my own, thus I became very insecure.  I was already upset with my mother for not protecting me during a crucial time in my life, but the upset feeling turned to outright rage when I realized how little she had given me to prepare for life on my own.  I vowed that my kids would not be raised the same way I was, and I kept that promise.  Three days ago, I decided to just let it all go.  My mother will always be the way she is and I'm not helping myself by being embarrassed by or angry with her.  I will never be able to convince her that she can be happier, I can only fix my happiness.  Part of being happy is to surround myself with people who are like me and if that means excluding my mother, so be it.

My favorite exercise was writing the personal mission statement.  The exercises that led up to writing the mission statement were something like a blue print.  It also helped me understand that the overwhelmed feeling I had when I first started the reset is normal...it's human nature to think about the entire exercise as a whole...not that it's easily acheived through breaking it up into 31 manageable pieces.  Now I only feel excitement about how different I will be instead of overwhelmed by feelings of wondering whether or not I'll actually finish.

Writing a love letter to my future self was the hardest lesson for me so far.  It helped me realize how much time I put into helping and thinking about everyone else but don't do the same for myself.  Once I made that realization, it was much easier to write the letter.

Dream Interpretation

I usually don't remember my dreams but I had two that were very clear to me when I woke up.  The quick and dirty version of both dreams: a monkey was driving a car, I jumped out to help him get back on the road and offered him a banana.  My uncle was yelling for me to leave the monkey alone then I woke up.  The second dream a blow fly was flying around my face.  I swatted at him and when I hit him, he was squished but didn't die...he flew right back up to my face then I woke up.  I did a little research and found that the "feeding the monkey" dream is about trusting someone who is against me.  The "flies" dream is about someone annoying in my life.  Killing the fly means that I'll redeem myself after a fall from grace.  The interpretations were spot on.  Fast forward to the idiotic conversation below that took place with my mother earlier today.  Anything in parentheses are my thoughts, not part of the conversation.

Mom:  Tisha why would you pay for Taylor to get her tongue pierced

Me: It's her form of expression and I'm not going to force what I think she should be or do and have her being resentful when she's an adult.  She's not hurting anyone and I don't think it's a big deal.  She could be drinking, using drugs, or sleeping around, but she isn't.
Mom: Okay whatever.  Just be sure you give her money and food for the week every week.  Keep your sob guilt to yourself.  I was asking for you to be a parent instead of a friend (uhm, WTF are you talking about?)
Me:  I give her money for food every week.  And if you put as much energy into yourself as you put into minding my business, you wouldn't be so miserable.  I didn't ask for your help or advice, and when I do, you don't want to give it.  Please keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.
Mom:  Check yourself.  She's not had money or food (oh yeah, I forgot.  Just because you don't see it happen means it never happened.  I forgot that you are the center of my world and that I have to prove everything to you.  I'll be sure to conduct future transactions in front of you so that you know I did it...NOT).  Her friend bought McDonald's the other day.  (uhm WRONG AGAIN! Her friend bought her McDonald's because her friend owed her money).  Please keep in mind that I am not and have not been miserable (oh really?  Is that why you always look pissed?  Or why you regularly yell at store clerks and wait staff?  Or why you've broken eggs on your neighbors cars?  I didn't realize that was how happy people behave).  I will always give my opinion (cool...always be prepared to be put in your place).  Solicited and unsolicited.  You will forever walk in your misery and HATEFUL ways.  Forget me! (::clapping:: bravo!  I applaud that Emmy winning performance!)
Me:  Don't get mad when you get back what you give.  Have a nice weekend.
Mom:  the only thing you and I have in common are those children.  I want no parts of a disrespectful child.  You are out of my future. (Alright Shakespeare.  I'mma need you to speak like it's 2011.  And no, we don't even have my kids in common...you're not their father).
Me:  Have a nice weekend!  How many times do we speak because I reach out to you?  If you didn't contact me, trust you wouldn't hear from me.

Mom:  I'm not mad.  As I said I was giving my opinion.  You don't have to spew such hatred with your response.  I noticed your nasty disposition last weekend and I did

Me:  I gave up on you years ago, I tolerated you because my kids want you around.

Mom: Well now they're grown.  So have a nice life.

Me:  I'm done with your dramatics.  Have a nice weekend.  I'm about to do the same. (At this time, she sent me an email, which I deleted without ever reading).  FYI, I deleted your email and I'm not reading anymore of your texts.  (I stopped reading anything from her at this point).
Mom:  You are so childish.  You will never know how much I regret ever knowing you could spew such evil and hatred.  You will never have happiness with an evil heart.  (Uhm, whatever)
Me:  Yeah, what you said.  Have a nice weekend.

The monkey and the fly are my mother.  After years of stupid arguments, her made up stories and exaggerations about me, and constant meddling, I made the decision that it is time to cut ties with her.  We've always had a "hate-hate" relationship.  Very toxic and unrewarding.  What I have noticed is that when I go long stretches without seeing or communicating with her, my life couldn't be better.  As soon as I try to bring her back in...$hit starts falling apart.  Mom...you ARE the weakest link.  Goodbye!

Day Six

My personal mission statement:

Independence, health and financial security are things that I value.  It is important for me to be in a peaceful, private environment and to have leisure time for myself, my children, and my friends.  Everyday I will put as much effort as required into making sure I live the best life possible.  I will use my time to learn as much as I can about anything that interests me.  I will spend time volunteering for negotiators that benefit children.  I will donate regularly to my favorite charities.  I will not waste my life on anything that is not beneficial to me, my children/friends or the organizations that I volunteer for.  I will live the life that I've always dreamed of.

Day Five

Today's exercise is about living our values and putting them in action.  While writing my values in action, I noticed that it looks very much like a plan.  My aha is that if I refer back to this lesson, I can use it to measure my success/hold myself accountable!  I had already taken steps to put my values in action (but didn't realize it).  One of those values is protecting my health.  Even though I was only 15 or so pounds overweight, I believe I am a bonafied food addict.  I noticed that I feel elated when I eat and that I'm probably eating because I like that feeling NOT because I'm hungry.   I pay attention to my feelings before I eat, which helps me eat "normal" portion sizes.  I drink a lot of water...pretty close to a gallon per day.  I lost 8 lbs pretty quickly just making these changes.  My values in action will make it easier to be honest with myself.

Day Four

It hasn't even been a week, and I feel better already.  I look forward to checking my email for my daily assignment.  Today's assignment is to take at least 15 minutes to create of list of things that I value: my independence, health, financial security, love, happiness, family, helping others....just a few of the things I put on my list.  We then have to narrow the list down to just 10 for tomorrow's assignment. 

I'm also realizing that I was feeling overwhelmed for no reason.  These assignments force me to think positively.  I was worried that this would be a chore, and that I'd have to make serious changes to my schedule to fit this in.  Not the case.  By the end of the exercise, this will be second-nature.

Day Three

It hasn't taken long for reality to set in.  I knew my "transformation" was going to take work but I hadn't put much thought into all I would have to do on a regular basis.  This is not like riding a bike...it's not something you learn, quit, and pick up where ever you left off.  It's more like being a recovering addict....it has to be something you want everyday of your life.  You have to consciously put forth effort to make your life what you want it to be...but overtime it gets easier because it becomes a part of you.

I almost flipped out this morning when I opened my mail and saw day 4's assignment.  I couldn't believe I missed an assignment already!  Thankfully, I didn't miss the assignment...the mail just came earlier than it should have.  Today's assignment was to write a love letter to myself.  I thought it was going to be impossible to write but once I started, it took less than 15 minutes to finish.  I am a huge believer in the law of attraction....and I felt this letter was my "notice to the universe" of the kind of life that I will have.  I guess that's my aha:  I put it out there and it will come back to me.

Day Two

I completed my assignment and found that overall, I'm happy with the areas of my life the assignment measured (lifestyle, education, finances, health, family and relationships).  My aha is that even though I'm not happy with one of the areas, the amount of time I spend stressing over that area negatively impacts everything else.  Because of the energy/focus I put trying to fix one area, everything else is neglected and THAT is what's causing problems for me.  It's not that I don't have time to take that class, it's not that my daughter is too much of a diva or my mom doesn't listen. It's that I'm not nurturing or maintaining all of the areas of my life as I should be. 

Alicia Keys - Superwoman (My theme song)

Day One

Insomnia isn't always a bad thing.  This morning I decided to check FB and a friend of mine sent a note to ask if I'd heard of the "31 Day Reset".  I hadn't, so I googled it and liked what I read.  I had already decided a month ago that I needed to redo some things in my life....the "Reset" will be a tool in my arsenal.  I was so excited about it that it took me longer than usual to fall back asleep.  I can't wait to get started!